Our Framework
We can try to come back to self and (if safe and appropriate) others.
“If I found a healing tree in my backyard, and it grew some sort of fruit that was a healing balm for people to repair what was damaged, I’m not going to just harvest all of those fruits and say, “You can’t have this.” If I have a cure for people, I’m going to share it.” –Tarana Burke
The response to harm and trauma can be as impactful as the harm and trauma itself.
Let’s sit with that for a moment. When someone confides the harm they’ve experienced in relationship, the response the person receives can shape their trajectory moving forward. A caring, open, and grounded response can bring a sense of safety and security. A disbelieving, questioning, dismissive response can bring a sense of isolation and shame. In our work with people who have survived physical, emotional, and sexual violence, a number of survivors have told us that some of the responses they received felt more harmful than the abuse itself.
Check out this video for a bit more information about what repair is and how trying to repair points of rupture can impact our experience of ourselves and our relationships with other people.
Is repair always possible?
With yourself? Yes.
With the person who harmed you or who you harmed? Perhaps. (And perhaps not.)
Trying to offer–and receive–repair is a process. The people involved in the point of rupture need to be in a space where they can be present with themselves and the other person. Often, it takes time, curiosity, and support for someone to reach a space where they can offer or receive repair. Sometimes, the person responsible for the harm isn’t able or willing to do their work to try to genuinely offer repair. Sometimes, the person who was harmed needs to experience real change from the person who caused the harm in order to be open to having a conversation about repair (or anything at all).
Trying to offer and receive repair with yourself is always an option, whether or not it is safe and appropriate to try to offer or receive repair from another person.
But I’m so damned tired.
Yes. Of course you are. You have every reason and right to be so damned tired. Being a parent is hard. Really hard sometimes. And we can be so under-resourced in our bodies, minds, and lives that it feels overwhelming and too damned much to carry. This makes sense.
Dear, sweet, strong parent (and wonderful person in your own right), can we be alongside you in this shitty time? If–and we realize it is an if–you have the time, perhaps check out this loving-kindness meditation. You deserve some love and kindness.
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