Our Framework
Having needs doesn’t make you needy; it makes you human.
To be human is to have needs. Air. Water. Food. Shelter. Warmth. Often, people are comfortable accepting that they have these physical needs.
Some people may experience less comfort accepting that people have additional needs that impact us physically and emotionally. Belonging. Comfort. Friendship. Healing. Love. Well-being. Each of us experiences needs like these to live fully.
“A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong.”
–Brene Brown
Sometimes, this can get a bit messy. An infant’s need for food and comfort can impact a parent’s need for sleep (let’s be real: this happens multiple times a day for what might feel like an endless amount of time when we’re in the midst of it). Or a teenager’s need for autonomy might impact a parent’s need for cooperation. People’s needs won’t always be in alignment. If we can identify our own unmet needs and be curious about the other person’s unmet needs, we can have more connected conversations that usually wind up being less charged with stress, anxiety, and anger. And if our conversations are more connected and less charged, we can also get more creative about meeting as many needs as possible.
This page lists some of the needs that people commonly experience. (The definitions are adapted from Dictionary.com.) As we learn to practice identifying our needs, we might just be better able to meet our needs (and help our kids identify and meet their needs, too).
Possible needs that are (or aren’t) being met in this moment
Let’s Do This Thing Together
Creative Expression: An Exercise in Accepting Our Needs
Hey there, wonderful parent and person in your own right. Let’s practice identifying our needs and holding our full selves through it all.
We invite you to try out the following (or whatever part(s) resonate with you):
- We’re going to build a nest–a comfy, safe space where all of your needs can be met. Find some construction paper, regular paper, newspaper, magazines, legal pads…whatever kind of paper you like or have around. Even if you don’t like the kind of paper you have around, it’s okay–we’re going to tear the paper up and create something new with it.
- Tear the paper into strips. Lots and lots and lots of strips of paper. Do the strips of paper have to be the same size? Nope, but they should each be between 6-12 inches long. Should they be neat? Not at all; be as messy and imprecise as you like. Does the paper all have to be the same color or texture or thickness? Only if that’s what you want to do.
- Check out the list of needs. Are there needs that speak to you in this moment? If so, take a strip of paper and write that need on it. You can write the need in big, bold letters, small letters, or anything in between. You can use markers, a pen, crayons, paint, glitter glue…you get the point. Anything goes, as long as it isn’t going to hurt you or anyone else. If a need is really alive for you right now, feel free to write it on as many strips of paper as you want. This will be your nest; trust yourself to know what you need.
- Have you finished writing your needs on the strips of paper? It’s time to create your safe nest! Get a small bowl, some plastic wrap, glue, and water. Line the inside of the bowl with plastic wrap. Mix one part glue with one part water and coat the plastic wrap with some of the glue/water mixture. Then start layering the strips of paper, having them cross over each other and even weaving some pieces together, if you like. As you continue, add more of the glue mixture as you need it and keep layering those needs to your nest. Let your nest dry overnight and, in the morning, peel off the plastic and embrace that you just created something beautiful, you wonderful person, you.
- If you have the time and interest, perhaps journal for a few minutes after you create your nest (and you’ve cleaned the glue off your hands). Here are some prompts, if you like. Were you surprised by any of the needs that felt more alive for you right now? When you built your nest, did you have any reaction to having overlapping needs? Nests foster new life–by creating a safe space for your needs, are you hoping to birth something new in your life?
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